DARVO...What is it?

 

 DARVO...What is it?

Mary Ann Wray

 

This is an acronym for a term I just learned about last week. I was introduced to this term through an interview on CBN (link provided below) with a former Pastor of Gateway Church. The senior pastor, Robert Morris, recently resigned as a result of sexual abuse allegations from a woman who says he abused her as a twelve year old. He was the youth pastor at the time. The former pastor went on to explain that DARVO is  a psychological tactic narcissistic abusers use to “protect” themselves against any allegation of any form of abuse by anyone. Instead of admitting their fault, or taking complete responsibility for their physical, spiritual, sexual or verbal abuses of others, they’ll spin their version of the story through the use of DARVO…

The acronym means: to Deny, Attack and Reverse the Victim to be the Offender.

This is the reason why many victims will not speak up against their perpetrators. Fear of being misunderstood, shame, intimidation, feeling like it was their fault or they had a part in the abuse, as well as backlash from the perpetrator prevents many victims from speaking up immediately or even at all. This is a very serious thing, and it happens all the time. It happens in marriages, personal relationships, schools, politics, workplaces, churches, families and in actual human sex trafficking. It is indicative in narcissistic people in a position of authority of some sort. It could be a parent, pastor, politician, spiritual leader, manager et al. This is very serious and it is sickening!

However, with many whistleblowers and victims of abuse within businesses, politics, families and churches, et al, beginning to come forward and talk about their abuses, others are speaking up more and more. Victims need to be heard and perpetrators need to be brought to justice. If you are or have been the victim of abuse, you are not alone. Please do not fear the repercussions more than if what happens if you don't speak up. Report it to law enforcement in the case of a minor’s abuse. Otherwise, if you are unable to confront the abuser, go to the one in authority over them. If they won’t hear it, there are other ways to bring it to light. Pray for wisdom and courage. There are reliable and informed people even on YouTube, who are beginning to bring these things to light. You can always reach out to them.

I was habitually abused as a child in parochial school and when I brought it to my father‘s attention, he basically told me not to speak against religious people in authority. When I was bullied in the neighborhood and in school, my father told me to suck it up and take it like a woman. My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to my mother and I but I have forgiven him and I was able to lead him to Christ shortly before he died. I am so thankful for that.

However, after the many times I was threatened and or bullied, I learned to keep things to myself. When I was a teenager, I was date raped. I dare not say anything to my father about it out of guilt and shame. I haven’t even spoken of it except within the last several years. I always thought it was my fault. Several times in the past, I approached pastors about my "issues" and was either rebuked or told I'm a new creature in Christ along with other scriptural band aids. Several times I was told that I was mature enough to handle it myself. It's almost laughable now as I look back on the incompetence and lack of compassion I experienced from some church leadership. I needed deliverance and healing. Now I know how complex we are as human beings and that God the Father is concerned about our body, soul and spirit.

After I became a Christian and we were part of a church startup as new believers, which was the first huge mistake we made under the leadership of an apostle. It turns out the pastor was very verbally abusive, arrogant, and claimed to have a great “anointing”. He was part of the Nikki Cruz group that were once gang members and drug addicts and came to Christ. With a resume like that who could argue with him?, so we thought. Later my husband, who was the treasurer, caught him stealing from the church coffer. When he confronted the pastor, he was sharply rebuked and cussed out. I reported it via a letter to the “apostle” of the ministry and he never responded. When I went to him later on and asked him why he did not respond to my letter, he said “I didn’t respond because you would not have been ready to receive it.”

After so many abuses and instances of the same, you just learn to internalize it and think you’re the offender and just a bad person. This was the view I had of myself for decades. This opened the door for more abuses throughout my life. However, there were times when I did stand up for myself, to authority and when I did, I was usually blamed for something I did wrong.

DARVO and the lame excuses that go along with this psychological tactic are ways people and perpetrators will avoid the uncomfortable and serious allegations and consequences of abuse. But we live in a different day and time now and it’s time to speak up and speak out! You can use your pain and suffering to be an advocate not only for your own welfare, but for the abused. It’s already happening. Thank God!

Please don’t remain silent. If you don’t speak up, others can and will be victimized by the same perpetrator. Whether it’s in the church or out of the church abusers need to face their crimes. You will find there is support for you and those who will listen. The Lord will stand by you and Jesus wants to heal you from the emotional wounds and psychological scars that come from abuses. He is your Shepherd and He will restore your soul. It is a process and painful at times but the Holy Spirit is the one to comfort your soul. If God is in the process of healing me, He will will do it for you. He is no respecter of persons.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV9-9P34DPU